subtle as a gut punch

sneaky YouTube playlist
waited til my back was turned
and stabbed me with a montage of
You

smiling swooping
that one shot of you (my
favorite, introspective as you
watched the world go by from
13000 feet); we flew together once
and you filmed it (i need to get that
VHS tape converted). sweet soul you
were. still weird to think of you as a
were instead of an are.

i know you went out (or went in as the
lingo goes) doing what made you most
alive and i know it was six years ago
and yeah I’ll say the obligatory blue
skies but…it would still be nice to see you
smile that Muppet smile just
one more time.

ugh

tonight
all i can think
about is sex.
no talking no
negotiating no
romance no time
wasted just clothes
off lust fucking
raunchy frantic
hot dirty drowning
in desire and each
other
and all i can
think about is
how bad i want
that sex with
you

et tu?

so someone is
reading my words
(at least
intermittently)
my curiosity is
piqued…
part of me hopes
that said reader
is my subject
(the object of
my desire my current
muse if you will)
and another part of
me is fucking
petrified that it
is

i dream about you
every night
i dream about your
body and what it would
feel like under my
hands and over my
body. i dream about
your mouth and how
certain am i that your
kiss would jolt me
back to life

eff you, Allen Ginsberg

i have gone well
beyong howling…i
want to scream

scream how frustrated
and sad i am and how
fucking disappointed i
am to find myself here
(again) where i am sad
and angry seething frus-
trated bursting at the
seams wanting needing
lusting wanting to
connect with someone
anyone wanting to be
young and thin and
vibrant and wanting to
be wanted
just wanted
by one person
and even better if
i’m wanted by the
person i want
but every day
i find myself
wanting
when i measure
and i’m constantly measuring
myself against all
the amazing
attractive
people that
surround me in
this wicked little
town

fuck i don’t know
what to do

sigh

ever just stare at
the ceiling and ask
yourself “how the
fuck did I get here?”

is someone trying to tell me something?

i dreamed that i was
dancing with you; slow,
close, headtochest in
your kitchen. it was
a good dream and i didn’t
want to leave it…
the song we played was
“do you want to dance”
(the Bette Midler version);
slow, close…longing

i get in the car this
morning and turn the radio
on; “do you want to dance”
(the Bette Midler version)
drifts out of the speakers.
i think of you immediately,
slow, close, headtochest longing

that tune is from 1972, it’s not a
popular song.
whatthefuck?

sure, hop in…

you jumped into my
car, surprising and
bold. i felt my pulse
rate rise as my heart
beat raced. i thought
i felt a signal or maybe
we were about to turn a
corner but after the
ride (and a lot of
conversation) you jumped
out as abruptly as you’d
jumped in: a “bye” and a wave
and you were gone

i’ve got more than enough
fuel to keep this moving if
that’s what you want (in fact
i’m on the verge of igniting…
hmm could you feel that
can you tell did you see the
look in my eye is that why you
bolted like the seat was on fire?)
but i just can’t figure out what
you want think feel and i’m at
a complete loss as to where to
find a map for this road